


Cold

by DeanmonandAngel



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-07-19 19:38:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7374751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeanmonandAngel/pseuds/DeanmonandAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baz bites Simon and turns him. Post Carry on.</p><p>This story is unfinished and probably always will be, I'm really sorry for anyone who was waiting for an update.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Need

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic I've felt comfortable posting, hope you guys like it.

**Simon**

It all happened so fast, one minute it was lips on lips and hands in hair and limbs tangled together but fitting, so fitting, like pieces of a puzzle.  
The next it was screaming and blood (so much blood), on my neck, in his mouth. It was red, and he was crying and I was crying but I couldn't figure out why. He wouldn't let me touch him but I wanted to, I _needed_ to.  
Everything I was was crumbling, and then there was nothing.

**Baz**

I stay with Simon, everything tells me I shouldn't but I can’t leave him, not yet. I use so much magic, I heal him until I nearly fall from exhaustion. But it doesn't help, the punctures on his neck were gone long ago, and I can't do anything to help what I did to him.  
I consider calling Bunce, but she would probably light me one fire over the phone if I told her what I’ve done, I should be the one to light myself on fire (I would, if I didn't think Simon needed me; an experienced vampire).  
He’s lying on our bed (his bed, after tonight) and he looks pale. He’s sweating, the bed is practically drenched in it. I don’t care though, I just need to lie with him one more time before he wakes up and this all becomes real.  
I carefully lower myself next to him, his back is facing me, and wrap one arm around his torso. I use my other hand to gently stroke the hair that curls softly onto his neck.  
I shouldn't be touching him (I’m a monster) but need to.


	2. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon tries to convince Baz to stay.

**Simon**

When I wake up, something’s missing; something important. And I’m cold, I feel like I can’t get warm. But I want to (without warmth, what am I? A monster? No, a vampire.).  
I open my eyes, Baz is standing over me. He looks different, everything looks different. Like, sharper. He also looks worried.  
“How do you feel?” He asks, his eyes are darting around the room, here and there and everywhere but me. He can’t look at me, he _won’t_ look at me. Does he not like me like this? He always said I was the Sun, and now I’m black hole.  
I push my insecurities momentarily aside, “Cold,” I say, “Are you always this cold?”  
He nods, still not looking at me, “You get used to it.”  
I stand up, stumbling. I see him take a small step backwards. After a second, I feel stable enough to walk and do so slowly towards him (sort of like you would with an injured deer), unsure of how to approach when he seems to be avoiding even the thought of me.  
“Baz?” I ask, my voice breaks. I’ve only said his name but it's filled with so many questions: _Are you always this hungry? Can I ever be warm again? Am I a monster? Do you still love me?_  
“Simon, I’m so sorry,” Baz sits down in the corner of the room, as far away from me as he can get without actually leaving the room. He sit’s like he’s broken, his knees curled up to his face, his arms clutching them like they’re the only thing keeping him from falling apart.  
I take a few steps forward (it’s not a very big room) and sit down next to him. My hand gently reaches out and rests on his neck. He flinches away. “You shouldn’t be touching me, you should be furious.”  
“Baz, it was an accident,” I scoot closer to him, I refuse to let him pull away this time. He’s not leaving me, I won't allow it. “How could I be angry at you when it was just as much my fault as yours?”  
Now he stands up, throwing my hand off his neck, “Just as much your fault as mine?” He’s angry: at me, at himself, at the world, _at himself_. “Fucking shit Simon, I bit you. I was unsafe and I never should have let _this_ ,” he motions his hand between us “Happen. And now you’re…” His voice breaks and I just want to hug him and tell him it’ll be alright, I don't.  
Instead I say “What? A monster? Dead? Baz, you know I don’t think of you that way.” I stand up too, my face is inches from his, I could kiss him (I would if I didn't think it would make things worse).  
“…Just like me,” Tears escape his eyes and I gently wipe them away with my thumb, resting my other hand on his cheek. He grabs my wrists, but he doesn't move them, he just holds them. We sit like that for what feels like hours. Finally, Baz continues “You don't deserve that, you deserve to be human and feel warmth and be…Alive.”  
“I don't care about any of that, Baz! I only care about you!” I smile a little, it's a smile full of sharp teeth and nearly broken hearts. It’s smile that insists _I still love you_ and _I forgive you_. “Now we can live forever together, we’ll be the ultimate power couple,” My small smile turns into a grin and a chuckle, but he only frowns at me.

**Baz**

I’m holding his wrists and he's going on about how we’ll be all powerful and how he won't have to leave me behind anymore.  
But I'm barely listening, because I killed him, I killed my beautiful boyfriend. He used to be the sun, he used to be so alive, and I killed him. Now all I can do is leave before I ruin his life (Death?) even more.  
I finally let go of his wrists and back away, I can see the hurt in his eyes and I almost kiss him, I almost take back everything I’d promised myself I’d do once he woke up. Then I see something else in his eyes, they’re dull. Not quite to the extent of a dead body but more so than any living creature I’ve ever seen.  
They’re not quite the bright blue eyes I fell in love with. They're still beautiful (of course), he’ll always be beautiful. He’ll always be the best thing that ever happened me. But I can't stick around to ruin him anymore than I already have. I’ve already turned him into a monster, I can't turn him into me.  
I grab the keys to my car and throw the door open. Shaking my head gently, defeated. It’s the motion of a man (boy, really) who’s about to give up everything good in his life.  
Simon opens his mouth and whispers “Stay.”

**Simon**

He stays.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to read more before I post it here I have the first four chapters up on my tumblr: goodbyelife-hellosnowbaz.tumblr.com. Thank for reading and commenting and leaving a kudos, it's always appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz is distant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead, and neither is this story. Enjoy! (Hopefully)

**Simon**

Baz stays, but he's distant. He doesn't speak much, and he sleeps on the couch instead of in the bed with me. He only lets me touch him in small ways, like when our hands meet when reaching for the TV remote, or when he thinks I’m sleeping and he strokes my hair. I like to pretend like I'm sleeping a lot.   
He hunts for me so I don't have to, every night he goes out and returns with something. He tries to give me everything he catches, I always insist he takes half but he still doesn't drink very often, eats even less. I worry about him.  
He’s punishing himself I think, in little ways, like the separation from me and the rest of the world. He writes to keep himself sane, I think. I've found scraps of paper with poems scribbled on them, every time I read them it feels like an intrusion. His words are raw and worrying, filled with death and blood and fire and me. I worry about him.   
I don't mind being a vampire, sometimes I think it's alright. But then I see someone and I get hungry and I think about eating them and then I think about how I used to be something to be eaten, and now I'm not. I'm dead. No, not dead (I don't like to think that way), but not alive either. Somewhere in between.   
I wouldn't mind being a vampire, if Baz were there to help me. But he's not, not really. Baz doesn't feel like he deserves me, so he pushes himself away. I can't stand myself when I think about how it's me who's doing this to him.   
I've stopped thinking about things again, it makes everything easier.

**Baz**

It turns out death has done nothing to lessen Simons liveliness, he still gets overly excited about sour cherry scones. He still tries to be an excessively clingy boyfriend, although I haven't really allowed that.   
I can tell it bothers him though, being a vampire, he tries to hide it from me. But I see it in the way that he stares at the Normals, hungrily. For their blood and their life; he wants it.   
I don't know what we are anymore, our relationship has been reduced to stares and lingering touches and me bringing him blood every night. I only drink enough to stay sane, my priority is Simon (always Simon).  
It's been two weeks since…everything, and I think this is my life now.

**Baz**

Simon makes little gestures toward me, and I try to ignore them, but I can't (Because I’m weak). When he grabs my hand, I don't pull away. When he offers me half of the blood I bring him, I take it. Because I'm weak and I can't even punish myself when I deserve it (And I do). Because I'm weak and Simon is strong and he still loves me after I violated every bit of trust he had, after I hurt him.   
It's been two months since our world broke into a million ice cold shards as sharp as teeth. And I no longer sleep on the couch, and we aren't quite what we were but I think we will be.

Of _course_ that's when Bunce comes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait, I just got uninspired, but I already have the next chapter written so you can expect that within the next couple of days. (Probably tomorrow).


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny makes an appearance, and a revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing a lot because I'm trying to get back into it for NaNoWriMo.

**Penny**

I lived with Micah for a year, after long distance had become a drag, we'd agreed to turn our long visits into something more. We both knew it wasn't permanent, not yet. I couldn't leave Simon for good and Micah had a life in America, so we came and went as we needed. Sometimes it would be a few months, sometimes a year. The longest was when Micah lived with me and Simon for two years. It wasn't conventional, but it worked.  
After I left the first time, Baz had moved in with Simon, and then he had never left.  
When I came home, it was the evening, maybe seven or eight. I knocked (I had a key, but after being gone for a year I didn't know what kind of compromising positions they might be in) and when Simon answered, he was wrong, dead, cold. He was a vampire.

**Simon**

I answer the door, and Penny freezes at the sight of me. I freeze too, because I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tame the fire in her eyes. I don't know to make her not kill Baz  
“S-simon?” She asks, stumbling over the two simple syllables. She's dropped her suitcases and she's pushing past me, she's a woman on a mission.  
“What has he done to you?” She asks, she's holding her ring hand up. Baz isn't there, he's hunting, I pray to every God I know that he stays away long enough for me to calm her down.  
“Penny, it was an accident-“  
“An accident? Simon he killed you!” She screams, I hope the neighbors can't hear her, they already hate us.  
“So that's what you think of me?” We both spin around to the door at the sound of Baz’s voice. Penny looks capable of murder.

**Baz**

I come home to find Bunce, of all the times she could of barged in, standing in my living room (our living room, now that she's back). I'm still holding the rats I'd caught and it takes everything I have to look cool, to look collected, to look like me.  
“Baz, what the fuck?” She's gritting her teeth and holding her hand threateningly towards me. She would look so much more intimidating with a wand, I briefly think. “Why?” She asks “You promised.”  
“I know I promised, but I didn't mean to. This was never meant to happen-“  
“No Baz,” and I can see now, mixed with the fury is sadness, not just for Simon. For me, I try to understand why and its just hit me when she says “You **Promised**.”

  
**Penny**

The first year after Simon and Baz started dating was hard, I was trying to put aside everything I'd believed for seven years and trust Baz. I think Baz was doing the same with me (for Simon) we weren't friends yet, we were in a mutual state of peace for the person we both cared about. That's why I did what I did.  
About a month after the events in the white chapel, I figured I needed to make sure Baz was on the same page as me, about Simon. I was paranoid he wouldn't want to lose Simon and would make the wrong call and I always figured Simon would ask to be turned, he's a mess.  
Baz was still in school at the time and I was in no condition to go there, after everything. Just standing at the gates waiting for him was bad enough, I could practically smell the smoke and blood (I threw up in the bushes).  
When he arrived, naturally, he wasn't very pleased at the inconvenience. He only ever left the school grounds to see Simon, and wasting a trip for me? Well, you can imagine why he'd be a little cross.  
“What is it Bunce?” He'd crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes in typical Baz fashion.  
“It's about Simon,” I said “Get in the car.”  
He had.  
I’d driven just out of sight of Watford and parked near the side of the road.  
Turning to him, I’d gotten straight to point. “You can never turn Simon.”  
His eyes had sharpened and his hands had curled into fists, everything about Baz screamed: hostility, especially then.  
“I would never.”  
“Even if he asked you?”  
He’d hesitated for a second before saying, “No,” That single moment of consideration had been enough for me.  
“I need you to promise,” I'd said, leaning closer to him (I was trying to be threatening).  
“You want me to promise? What are we, Twelve?” He had sneered (half his sentences were punctuated with sneers).  
“No, I want you to **Promise** ,” I’d held my ring out. My hand had been shaking.  
His eyes had widened, it was a dangerous spell, forbidden.  
The rest was whispered explanations and his quiet voice saying, “ **Cross my Heart, Hope to Die.** ”

**Baz**

I hadn't thought much of it, because I'd rather have died than turned Simon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already written the next chapter so you can expect that tomorrow. As always, thank you for commenting and giving me a kudos. Love you all. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon understands what happens, Baz struggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry?

**Cross my Heart, Hope to Die** – A spell definition  
This spell was often used in the early 1900s as a way to ensure that a wizard would keep his or her promise. After being cast, the caster must keep their promise or they will become ill and die over the course of one to one and a half years. Became illegal in 1965 when it was deemed a cruel and unusual punishment.

**Simon**

They're talking about promises and about me and Penny is still mad but less so at Baz than at the world I think. Or maybe at herself, I can't really tell.  
Baz has gone pale (well, more pale, if that's possible).  
“What do mean he promised?” I ask, grabbing Penny’s arm.   
She's crying now, and Baz is sitting (on the floor) and I still don't know what's going on.  
“Simon,” Penny faces me, tears leaking from her eyes. “I didn't trust Baz, and I thought that he would turn on you, or maybe I thought you would ask him. But I had to make sure.”  
“Penny what did you do?” I already know though, we'd learned about that spell in seventh year when studying forbidden spells. But I didn't want to know, I wanted her to say something else, anything else.  
In the back of my mind I register that my hands are shaking and my cheeks were wet. All I can see is Baz. Penny is talking and I can hear a few of the words Penelope is saying, enough to know that I was right.  
Baz doesn't move, but I do. I shuffle forward slowly and slide down the wall next to him. “Why?” I ask, simply, I don't think I have it in me to say anything else.  
Baz doesn't say anything and Penny starts to say, “I was worried that-“  
“No,” I cut her off, I'm tired and hungry. “I'm talking to Baz.”  
Penny doesn't say anything else, just sits down.  
“I didn't think I would ever turn you,” He's staring at nothing, he's not crying.  
“That doesn't mean that things don't happen, that doesn't mean that you should just risk your life because you don't think it's likely,” I'm angry, but I don't stand up because I have to be close to him. Always.  
“Simon, I would rather have killed myself than do what I did to you. Hell, I almost did. In no world would I think it was okay turn you. You have to understand that,” He runs his hand through his hair, bunching it up into his fist. “Maybe this is…” He trails off and my blood boils when I think of what he could be saying.  
“No, Baz!” I do stand up this time, because I can't do anything else. I'm so angry, ”Don't talk like that! This is not good, you don't deserve this, and we are going to fix this!”  
Baz stays silent.   
“Simon,” Penny starts, “I've never heard of any-“  
I don't bother to let her finish, “We are going fix this.”  
Without another word I grab Baz’s wrist and pull him into the bedroom, shutting the door behind us. Leaving Penny alone with the rats.  
  
**Baz**

Weeks pass before anything happens. Simon doesn't stop looking for a way to fix it, Penny gave up after a she asked her mother about it (subtly of course) who confirmed it was impossible. I was never never really looking for a way out. I'd accepted my inevitable death, my aim now was to spend as much time as possible with Simon. _I'd_ become the excessively clingy boyfriend.   
I'm lying in bed, clinging onto Simon, he's asleep. His hand is haphazardly tangled in my hair. I'm staring at him (I'm allowed to, now that we're a couple).  
Then I notice it, an aching in my chest. It starts as a dull, easily ignorable pain. But within seconds it's become nearly unbearable. I cry out, jolting Simon awake.  
Rolling onto the floor I grit my teeth as the pain spreads to my stomach. I'm on my knees.   
Simon’s concerned face appears next to me. “Baz what's wrong?” He asks. “Penny!” He screams.   
My whole body is writhing with pain I think of anything else. I start to cough and something wet comes out, but I can't see what it is because everything is blurry and nothing is making sense. I hear Simon yell for Penny again. I cough again and I feel like I'm coughing up my stomach onto the floor.  
Simon is hugging me and soon Bunce is there. I hear her casting healing spell after healing spell. My fangs are out and digging into my lip, I'm hungry but all I can taste is my blood and it only makes it worse.  
-  
I wake up to white, and hunger, and Simon asleep in a chair next to my bed (a hospital bed).  
“Simon?” I ask, my voice comes out weak and my throat burns at the effort of the single word but it wakes him anyway.   
“You're awake?” He asks, his eyes hopeful. “I thought you might be…” His voice breaks and he can't finish.  
“You can't get rid of me that easily, love,” I give him a weak smile.   
Simon grabs my hand from the chair, “Baz, I'm sorry.”  
“What could you possibly have to to be sorry for?” I ask, my tone gentle. I don't think I have the capacity to get angry at Simon right now.   
“I-I wanted to help you, you were on the floor and there was so much blood and I thought I was going to lose you. But I couldn't help you because I don't have magic and I felt so helpless. You were so-“ Tears well in his eyes and the sight is too much for me to handle.  
“Simon,” I stop him. “Don't, none of this is your fault, not a single part of it,” I squeeze his hand to reassure him.  
I'm released from the hospital the next day, the doctors are baffled about the occurrence but can't find anything wrong with me. I feel fine, no signs of the attack remain, we never talk about it and I start to think that maybe I imagined it. Everything is okay, for now.

  
**Baz**  
We try to move on, to forget it, but it's like a cloud of ash. Heavy, suffocating, my nightmares consume me, but I don't let Simon know because he has them too, and I can't let him hurt himself anymore for me.

**Simon**  
He doesn't let do me anything without him, I can't leave the house without him by my side. I don't mind.   
Baz has dropped out of his classes, he says he doesn't see the point, “Why spend my last moments in a class room?” He'd asked, he used to love his classes. I can tell that it's getting to him, I can also tell that he doesn't want me to know, I try to pretend like I don't notice, but it's hard.  
I worry about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be up within the next two days, love you all (don't hate me). ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz takes Simon hunting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baz takes Simon hunting to teach him, some fluff.

**Baz**  
After hours (and I do mean hours) of consideration, I come to the conclusion that I need to teach Simon to hunt. I don't want to (I don't want him to see me like that). But I figured better to teach him now than wait until he has to stumble around trying to catch a rat after…after I’m…gone.  
I take him out one night, just after ten o’clock, we live in the city but it's only a small drive to a little patch of woods that I usually hunt in. In a weird way, I think he's excited. In a weird way, I think maybe I am too.  
Something's off, about us. We've gotten better, but ever since Bunce came back and ever since…my incident. We haven't been able to get it off of our minds. The air smells of broken hearts and death.  
I turn to him, dead serious. “Snow, I-I don't want you to remember me like this. When I, when I’m-” I don't think could've finished that sentence, even if Simon hadn't stopped me.  
“Baz,” He interrupts, I can tell he's trying to disguise the pain in his voice, for me. “You aren't going to die, ever. We're going to live forever together and raise our vampire empire,” He chuckles (I think because he just said vampire empire, the childish git) and wraps his arms around me. His chin rests perfectly on my shoulder and I wrap my arms around him. He smells so good, like familiarity and home and I can feel his wings (spelled invisible) curled in around his back. (He's _my_ childish git).  
“I just mean, when- er if,“ I correct myself after his disdainful look. “If something happens, I don't want you to remember me like this.”  
“Like what?” He asks, nuzzling into my neck (it feels so good). “My caring boyfriend, who has done nothing but think of me, and feed me, and now teach me to hunt? You don't want me to remember you like that?”  
“No, I don't want you to remember me as the fanged monster that kills Thumper the bunny,” I squint at him. I can feel myself pouting, I hate it.  
He pulls his face back, I can see every emotion, he's always been easy to read on the surface. “As apposed to what? My arsehole roommate who tries to kill me? Is that how you want me to remember you?” He teases.  
I flinch.  
“I'd rather you remember me as your heroic boyfriend who definitely didn't kill fuzzy little animals,” I kiss him and it feels like nothing could ever go wrong as long we stay here kissing, as long as we’re wrapped in each other's arms (Is that a plan? To stay here kissing forever?).

 **Simon**  
We end up going a little further into the woods. It's nice that Baz is finally getting out, he hasn't done much of that lately. I try not to think about why we're doing this, I just enjoy being here with him.  
The first thing we see is a rabbit, I try to jump on it, Baz tries to grab it. Somehow we end up tangled in each other, the rabbit long gone. But neither of us really notice, or maybe he does, I'm to busy kissing him to really tell what he's thinking.   
He starts to push me off (I’m on top of him). I groan and refuse to let him, “Can’t we just stay here?” I complain, pressing a kiss into his cheek. “Who needs blood anyway?” I whisper in his ear.  
“We do,” he insists, smiling and pushing me off again, I let him.  
“Baz, this is pointless anyway. I’m like, the most clumsy person in the world. There's no way I'll be able to catch little nimble creatures like bunnies.” I slump down against a tree. I'm tired and thirsty, and I don't know if I can survive without Baz in my life.  
“Simon, you'll be fine, we’ll figure something out,” He grabs my hand and I pull him down next to me, I cling to his hand like its my life support (it really is).   
I turn my face toward him, I wonder why he stayed with me. I don't deserve him, he literally gave up his life for me. He's going to die because of me, I crumple into Baz. I can't live without Baz, he is the only thing I have to lose, _I can’t lose him_.  
“Baz, you are going to live,” I mumble, looking away. “Because I used to be the greatest Mage in the world, and what am I worth if I can't even save my boyfriend?” I smile a little.  
He doesn't answer, he feels heavy against me. I look at him, my smile drops instantly. He looks wrong, pale, even for a vampire. I shake him, he doesn't respond. I think he might be dead, but I don't know. I push the thought out of my mind, he can't be dead, I need more time. I can't think. I need to think, to pull myself together for Baz. I can't breathe and I still can't think and when I look at him he looks so still. I stop trying to think and I just grab him, my wings are coming un-spelled but I don't care. I just pull him out of the woods. I need to find someone who can help him.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't say it was ALL fluff.


End file.
